Bike broken, reschedule party till thursday:(
grinding to god bless the USA? really?
shut up
i would rather give Shaq a handjob than take this accounting final
i stuck my finger in my ass and it felt weird. but you know. it should be different when a guy does it right?
just found glitter in my belly button...seriously when will this nightmare end
Going to get a "plan B"urrito
Sometimes he has weird facial hair...Basically he has a penis... that's what he's got going for him.
I think mom knows I'm drunk I put a full blown balloon in the fridge.
Just proved I could salsa dance in a bar where no one was dancing
Sidenote...no idea how to salsa
Tell me about it I woke up on your couch with only my underwear on and a 26 year old wrapped around me. I thought my thirties would be different.
I ended up at home with a random bird sculpture and flowers
My lighter is stuck in my beard.
The only reason you haven't shit yourself yet is because you don't like having fun.
She has a girlfriend too.. we decided that two cheats equal eachother out to zero. with our flawed grasp on algebra and the bottle of jack we were passing back and forth the logic seemed airtight.
dude pick up your phone
i cant. im high and theres a wild turkey in my backyard. wouldnt miss this moment for anything
Randomize
