I wanna bring you to show and tell
Having a conversation over beer pong about a threesome I participated in...it's only Wednesday
I was so drunk last night i ate cereal with a fork.
you came back at 4am in a suit jacket and a half eaten burrito...
He started making shapes and faces with his cock and balls.... apparently if you wrap the shaft with your balls and turn it 90 degrees to the left it looks like a hamburger
there is mayo everywhere what the fuckkkk
He passed out on the floor and you kept hitting him in the dick and screaming "hammer of justice".
Was I shouting at a fire engine last Friday?
I kept petting the scarves and telling customers to "feel that shit"
Stop drinking at work.
Wait does semen show up on blood tests?
Good night I hope you dream about knitting and threesomes
He wants Portugal to lose so badly he threw out all the sangria. You know how depressing it is to watch someone dump 4 gallons of heaven?
I gave him head during Pitch Perfect 2, I felt like the Bella's were cheering me on with their back up tunes
My arm is completely dead, never again will i give you a 20 minute hand job. You better have enjoyed that asshole. I have to text with my left hand now.
she prefaced telling me she was pregnant with "houston, we have a problem"
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