If Rob Pattinson gets another fucking MTV award, I'm going to vomit.
Flying to Orlando on the 7th is cheaper than the 8th by like three margaritas.
call me tomorrow and ask me about coke-whore stripper. It hasnt happened yet, but im sure it will be plenty disappointing.
She said "You blew my mind last night." and I said "nah, I just blew my load." and her mom heard.
i'm not a hellocoptur, but youer in a dorm ans im un a dorm
Have you ever stopped and thought "I do NOT want to be inside of this person right now. Or ever." Because you should.
i had a mental breakdown over a math asignment proposed to a glass of chocolate milk then burned my hands when i acidentally leaned on the stove i have the grill marks burned on my hands i can see them
its only been 20 minuts since i last saw you
What do you mean you don't want me to steal the manikin do you have any idea how expensive inflatable dolls are I can't get that for your birthday
Man, I meant to go dancing, but accidentally took mushrooms and just threw the frisbee in the park
Surprise ending
id like to think im the only pot dealing prostitute that is also an ordained minister. but maybe not. what a time to be alive
I'm sorry for drunkenly throwing a spoon at you and then laughing at your pain.
So apparently Facebook just randomly finds the girl who gave me a hard handy despite having no mutual friends...
I just lost my handcuff virginity and not in the sexy way.
hi, I love you... and I'm sorry your floor is covered in popcorn, your cabinet is broken, all your alcohol is gone, you're 80 dollars poorer, everything in your bedside table is soaked in beer, austin slept in your bed in those disgusting underwear, I made out with your toilet seat, and for talking to your mom with a four loko in my hand
Remind me to do laundry tomorrow so i have something decent to take off when i get laid.
Randomize
