I think i'm just gonna start shot-gunning everything that comes in can form.
getting kicked in the face by someone doing a keg stand. just my luck
Just took a shot out of a used mini planter. Might die from the pesticides, but didnt want whoever took all of my shotglasses to think they won.
I figured out why I insisted on leaving my sweater on the ground outside. I smelled it and I'm 97% sure I peed on it last night
I'd be careful with that one, she got 86'd from the family dollar while SOBER.
i think she just faxed a picture of her vag from the office copy machine... i mean what kind of sexting is that... wait is that even legal???
He was twisted. Literally. It's like God took his dick with a pair of pliers and gave it a half twist to the left.
I'm pretty sure the guy in front of me at Walmart doesn't have good plans. It's one am he is buying a flash light and black bandanna
In related news, I couldn't want to blow you more if your dick made harmonica noises.
I'm surprised, it's been so long you must be starving
At a certain point, the zombie-like hunger goes away. Then the sadness sets in. Then you start lying to yourself that you're taking some "me time." Then you remember you dodged chlamydia and Buddha knows what else. Then you're at peace with it.
Also, I've finally come to the point in the relationship when having sex with socks on is ok.
someone stole all your weed so you told us you were planning each of our deaths
Also food confession I ate an entire bag of starburst jelly beans today. and a plan B. All around think I hit all my nutrients
He yanked my breathe right strip off in the middle of me riding him.
She flashed us last time and pissed all over the floor this time. I'm scared to invite her back.
Randomize
