Just got my rental car in Iowa...gas is under 2 dollars in des moines...this is not a real state
i told her that she could bring as many friends as she wanted and then she asked how many people i could fit in my bed...BEST. DAY. EVERRRR.
Someone in my class is wearing shirt and on the back it says...National Bible Quiz Finalist 2006. Do you really expect me to find a guy here
I'm really tired of cleaning up my twitter the morning after
Yes..we had amazing sex that I have a 50 percent chance of remembering.
He just asked me to pee through my panties while he watched. I might need more tequila for this one.
Do you think that my Facebook profile picture kinda look like im being raped by a 10 foot polar bear ?
Why did my little sister call me from your phone this morning?
Things like this can't be explained over text man
Say hello to your nephew Sir Isaac Meriwether van Catsworth
I'm going to have to start taking your phone after ten. That's when all the cat pictures come
These freshman guys were trying to holler at me from their window, and I realized about 20 minutes too late that the best possible reaction at that time would've been screaming "FLACCID PENIS". Oh, and I found this awesome zombie charm bracelet you would love.
Guess who just enrolled into online classes at Hogwarts? This gal.
The best part of Easter was watching all his colorblind cousins try to find the eggs.
I should be free tonight unless my 5 speed vibrator arrives in the mail today, than we might have scheduling conflicts.
All I wanted to do was come home from work and masturbate for national sex day... I sliced my the tip of finger giving myself a pedicure so I can’t even do that #singlelife
I just caught your son trying to perform fellatio on himself. What do I do?
Randomize
