I figured girls wouldn't be down to sleep w/ a guy who plugged a pregnant chick
i felt like cinderella. except at midnight i turned back into a whore.
really keith? you showed me your dick and your not gonna text me back
he just sent me a pic of him naked with a bucket of margarita mix hanging off his dick
I want her autograph on my taint
so far we have 6 big wheels and 10 boxes of wine for the tour de franzia. team drunkslut is favored to win the yellow jersey.
Text me if you also stopped reading harry potter in the 4th grade and wanna go to the bars tonight instead of the midnight premiere
French fry pizza
Are you brilliant or just really high?
Can't it be both?
I was pissing in the urinal at the concert and some drunk chick ran in and yelled 'but the lines to fucking long' then ran out with 10 state troopers chasing her... Yeah
It feels like my uterus is trying to crawl out of my ass wearing cleats. And yourself?
I've got my wine, though it wasnt very good so I threw a sour patch kid in it
I convinced every single one of my cousins to bring me a glass of wine. I was the alcoholic queen and they were my subjects.
Your mission, should you decide to accept it, is to pick up rum, beer, and cigarettes. Your holiday will self-destruct if you ignore this message.
Well he has a golden retriever set as his background so there's no way he was filming us having sex
Orgasms and cereal.... that's what life's about.
Randomize
