he thought i was passed out so he proceeded to jerk off while i lay on the floor next to him
when i woke up this morning i blew my nose and ash came out.. i'm not sure what to make of this.
You woke up in the middle of the night and told me we won the sweepstakes, the penis sweepstakes.
Fran... I put my tongue in somebody's gage hole last night.
Found your dick twin last night
Theres a high probability there will be two hot men waiting on you in your bed when you get home for lunch.
Given he decided my interview was a date, showed up drunk and insisted on carrying me everywhere, we weren't off to a good start.
As its breast cancer awareness month, I'm going to do my part by making everyone aware of my breasts
I just did a booty-call caliber shave job in preparation for this weekend. Fuck being ladylike; I'm tryna get LAID-ylike
He found a way to charmingly ask me for a threesome and when I said no he made it sound like he was even happier. He's a fucking wizard
I had the bathroom of girls sing you happy birthday while you puked. I couldn't stop laughing. They were all so supportive
Goddamnit, guys. I got lube all over my kindle.
That awkward moment when you were so fucking drunk lastnight that you and your fuck buddy wake up wearing eachother's clothing covered in hot cheetos with his cat curled up between your heads meowing. Thought you'd appreciate this moment with me.
Hot fire fighters installing my closet. Don't know how to go about this. Gonna nonchalantly take my shirt off and see what happens..
Thank you for stopping me from getting a butt tattoo. That was a good call.
Randomize
