I just poured my flask into a drink. Then I realized the drink belonged to the guy next to me so I stole it from him. He confronted me and I made out with him to distract him. When I looked up, I realized his wife was watching. Its barely 10:00.
Question: If I woke up with one eyebrow mysteriously missing, do I shave the other one to match?
dude you have to find out what a girl's name is before you sleep with her. if her name is debbie she's boring, if her name is lauren she's an overrated hoebag, if her name is meagan she gived bad head.
No worries you cant actually turn into a wine snob if you brew it in your closet....
The last thing I remember is stabbing him with his diabetes medicine
Just a heads up, i'm sleeping in te back seat of your car so don't be freaked out when you see me in the A.M.
She was blowing me when her roommate came in and goes "you want me to tap in?"
You realize once your inheritance is finalized this shit will stop happening right?
Is it possible to rally from a drunken seizure?
I made people serenade her before talking to her and went on a condom run. If I'm going to be in the friend zone, I'm going to be its fucking king.
did I ever tell you about my gay jesus theory?
Bouncer came into the bathrooms to tell us the old one-person-per-stall rule, realised it was two girls banging, and left us to it. Lesbiperks.
Was just told that I slept on the counter using a loaf of bread as a pillow. Clearly my life is going well.
Just please don't close your legs while I'm down there again. I don't want my death to be labeled as "Head crushed while giving an individual cunnilingus".
Chasing down vodka with apple juice and crying. Alone.
My vibrator turned on under my pillow when I was taking a nap this morning... I nearly shit my pants.
Randomize
