I'll write directions out on a napkin and slip it to him. Then say P.S. The UTI is gone.... that's not creepy at all right?
9 beers later and she still looks like Gary Busey.
I showered today. Officially upgrading myself to useless.
I think I'm making progress on my commitment issues. I drunk made out with the same guy from last semester this weekend.
Either allow it in a formal toast or i will drunkenly tell your in-laws while i'm dancing on their table. either way, the truth is coming out
I feel like I should come with a warning like "Orgasm free since 1983"
My radar detector detects ice cream trucks. I think it was made for stoners
I have just gotten home. I saw a lot of penis tonight. On a trampoline. Shit got weird.
I have one of those hangovers where you visualize how awesome it would be to climb in your fridge and drink glacier water
Just got offered a dog by two Meth head's one of which wasn't wearing shoes and continually saying "fuck"
He told me that his greatest skill was making White Russians.
He asked me who my new boyfriend was and I showed him a picture of my sex toys.
Okay so it turns out that my bf keeps a log of every time I sleep-fart. It's dated back to 2013.
I've had sex with three people who have this birthday.
Heading there now. Already have a boner.
Randomize
