I don't know what kind of drugs you were on last night but you kept trying to highlight my face because you said I was important
I woke up with $100 in my pocket and I was so excited until I found an atm receipt for a $500 withdrawal. Not as exciting.
Best part of failing a semester of college: not having to buy books next semester. I can drink to that
i wish i had a super power and that that super power was shooting out mdma from my fingertips or something
its official: beach shits are the exact same as mountain shits
Just called the consul general of France "dude"
You'd be surprised how many calories hedonism burns.
He's getting Easter eggs filled with weed or Jell-O shots for his birthday
Drunk packed a lunch. Made two turkey sandwiches and threw in a bag of raw bacon. Gold star for the day drunk self.
Today I had sex and flossed at the same time. My relationship goals have been exceeded.
Drink. Fuck. Waffle House. Repeat.
Also, what day were you thinkin we should trip balls at the children's museum?
How do u ask ur friend if shes keeping her kid but in a chill way
Come home... I’m drinking and playing with knives
Shit facedness and cuddling are what you have to look forward to this evening.
Randomize
