how was the sex?
he smelled like pickles and burnt hair.
well, there's that.
My dad just yelled at me for going to youth group with out telling him. Apparently going out to fuck a girl without telling him gets me a high 5, going to youth group gets me grounded.
then for some reason i googled "how much to buy a cannon"
Buying beer for freshmen. No matter what they ask for, I'm getting them Colt 45.
did you mean anything you said last night? i just wnna know
no
I've been deciding between brands of bagels for 20 minutes. This why I doint smoke weed.
trust me, there is no more disappointing feeling in the world than waking up at 4 in the morning with a random half naked chick in your bed and then realizing your roommates girlfriend just wandered into the wrong room.
There are paw prints all over my ceiling.
Also was told that I was her "third favourite booty call" - I'm taking this a good thing right?
It's a podium place so yeah...
I'm at a restaurant. I am NOT about to discuss my asshole over the phone.
I lose my morals, my dignity, and my selfie stick :(
Come camping we have xanax and steaks
WHY IS THERE A FUCKING DILDO IN PLACE OF MY GEAR SHIFTER IN MY CAR?
Apparently karate chopping the fronts off all the paper towel and soap dispensers in the bathrooms isn't even frowned upon. Like even at the third bar when I fell flat on my back trying to jump kick the last one some guy just helped me up and high fived me. America.
Unless your name is actually "Ticfj" like my phone says, I have no idea who you are...
Randomize