my dad just referred to me and my boobs as 'the three of you'
1.) where are you? 2.) you making meatballs? 3.) Meatballs for sex?
I was preparing to do my walk of shame shirtless, but then I found my sweater, wallet and keys neatly piled under a tree in the park.
Just saw a 300lb woman fall down. Shes screaming like a beached manatee. Her 120lb boyfriend is trying to push her up. It's like watching an infant try to bench
dude wearing that thong all day was not worth the 7 bucks
nothing like a walk of shame in front of a cnn news crew to start the morning off right
But hes like a baby bird with a broken wing that i want to FUCK.
Note to self, stop going out with self absorbed bisexuals
I got a lap dance from a guy last night dressed as a school girl. Heels and all. His heels got stuck in my fish nets
I just sang Hey Jude with a homeless man and then we drank beer together. Then I watched asians take pictures under a xmas tree for an hour and fell asleep in an MGM Grand bathroom stall. #AloneinVegas
Also, being stuck with my family all week has made it very clear that I need to be drunk and I need to be fucked pronto
I mean, he'll either figure it the fuck out or set my apartment on fire. Either way, it will be entertaining.
We both knew it was over when I took a u turn at her belly button.
Currently eating a pop tart in my underwear waiting for the washer. Not one of my prouder moments.
I just kept eating and watching him slide down the stairs head first
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