The world needs more lipstick lesbians, if anything.
Her parents walked in on us. So for my birthday they bought me a blow-up doll with their daughters face on it. I don't know what to think right now.
I'm instituting a new rule. If you wake me up at 3am about wrinkled blankets, I get to throat punch you
No dude, I'm not naming my kid after your beard
He yearns for your heart.
He needs to stop being a pussy about it.
Is it too early to get staydrunk at 1pm on Friday for Monday's St Patty's day
I'm by myself. some Midwest chick is hitting on me because I gave her a deviled egg. I need the distraction.
She tried deep frying a banana by placing one, unpeeled, into a toaster.
The cat is stealing cigarettes and my vagina cures blindness. How's your night?
You do it and I'll burn these mermaid pants so help me God.
She came out of the bathroom listening to her iPod and crying. Then she started scream 'she will be loved'. She seems to be handling the break up well lol
FUUUCK. sunburned vagina. this is the worst day ever. i'm not leaving my room until it peels.
Yeah it got awkward when the two guys we were playing beer pong against realized that I'd hooked up with both of them. Their teamwork declined after that.
it's like i'm your dad, but instead of reminding you to bring your lunch to school i remind you to take a good long hit from your bong.
As a gift to myself for being so awesome at being single, I'm going to buy a vibrator
Randomize
