I wish that guy wasn't missing teeth
another holiday season passes without receiving a dick in a box, where did i go wrong in life?
im trying not to drink and cry in the same night anymore. i'll let you know how it goes
According to google history I spent most of last night trying to buy an elephant.
Either allow it in a formal toast or i will drunkenly tell your in-laws while i'm dancing on their table. either way, the truth is coming out
turkey basters and jungle juice, is that really the whole shopping list for new year's?
Streaking across a girls college rugby game is probably the best, and most painful, decision I've ever made
Puuuub goooolf. Being trashed at 830 never felt so right
Dude what hole are you on?....and its 9:15
hole5. 2 under par. irish nachos
I usually just read books and meditate to an aquatic soundtrack of sea walrus's mating. But ill choose coors light instead
I'm gonna write a book one day about how to be the less attractive person girls settle for after getting dumped. I will send you a copy
My ex-fiancee UPS-ed me a sixer of tall boys, and a fifth of bourbon for christmas, from halfway across the country. What does this mean?
I'm counting my small victories this morning. For instance, I haven't puked at work yet.
He called me for phone sex. Do you know how hard it is to fake an orgasm, and play Candy Crush at the same time?
i am craving dick and cupcakes
Y'all let us switch shirts in the middle of 200 people....why did you let me get this drunk by noon?
Randomize
