Life lesson: when driving and throwing up, choose a paper bag over plastic. Fuck my life.
That girl's pussy is like White Castles, you crave it once in awhile, but you know next morning you regret eating it.
How do 1 in 4 women misread a pregnancy test; how stupid are women?
he found my favorite bra, 3 thongs and a pair of jeans and gave them back. i love move out day.
So basically he tried to get out of the car and crawl on the highway with the broken leg because he didn't want to go to the hospital. It was not a good time...then we got pizza though.
There's not an emojicons for I think I ripped my asshole and want to die.
They invited me day drinking but brought their kids. 3 two year olds and 1 11 month old. I was asked to change a diaper, I laughed and took another drink of this margarita. I LIKE CHANEL AND TEQUILA NOT CHILDREN. Can we make new friends?
He went to WalMart with $30 and came back with a watch, a basketball and an engagement ring.
so when our kids ask "when did you know you loved mommy?" you're gonna say "when she sent me emoticons about slobbing on my knob?"
I'm about to punish you for sending me a Snapchat of your boyfriend's morning wood
The drunk people on this bus are singing Journey songs. This is the whitest thing I've ever experienced
Our DD has become famous. Strippers are asking to be handcuffed to him.
At the end of the night i was really thirsty and tied to a bedpost
I wanted to buy shoes but nothing fit. So i'm getting a vibrator.
NOT ALL OF US HAVE THE HANDS OF GODDAMN ANGELS YOU KNOW
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