she needs to learn to take compliments like she takes dicks.
Why doesn't the washer have a puke setting?
Maybe the downfall to liking really smart guys is that they're to smart to think about sex all the time.
No, no, we have to calibrate. What is the maximum amount of trouble we can get into without going to jail?
those were not strange pants with a really large waist band...it took me 3 days to realize I was wearing someone's sweater as pants
I made that picture of you my lock screen. So I've just been standing around at work licking my phone all day.
I think "we've never met sober" is a great relationship to have with someone
I'll say this one last time. You are TWENTY FIVE YEARS OLD. You are not going to die alone and this is not the twilight of your life. Stop taking shrooms on your period!!!!
I was so drunk last night dude. I woke up this morning to my oven being wide open and my pants on the kitchen floor.
Hey, I'm 22. I'm allowed to have a sex life and you're going to hear about it.
I see myself subsisting on tequila for the next several days.
I'd like to have a moment of silence for all the dicks she's broken off
you found yr lighter in yr cleavage and said so that's where you've been all my life
I stole the butter cup cuz i brought home my rolls and chicken and didnt want the butter everywhere. I miss your body because its amazing.
There's a lady rapping at me about making healthy food choices. She lives in a refrigerator. This is not okay with me
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