So when jo picked me up from the bar I kept apologizing and kept telling her "I'm just a wittle donut"
He came in the heat vent in my car. Don't ask how it happened.
Life lesson: Don't give a drunk girl a dutch oven after having taco bell. She puked all over my pillow. Funny as hell though.
All I know is it had something to do with a plunger and tuna salad. I'm done. I'm quitting my job.
It's not mothers day until you're vomitting syrup into grandma's toilet. Cherish the holidays
he burped in my vagina and tried to deny it...
At the airport and im So hungover. Think anyone will help if I put a note on me reading "flying to Boston, please wake me as we board" and then passing back out?
Just stuffed an entire cupcake in my mouth after finishing third glass of wine. Valentines day is pretty much going how i expected it.
Your roommates boyfriend just approached me while I was working to tell me about the staph infection he got on his face. Where do you find these people?
He'd pee in it. And since it's PBR I'd have no idea
Maybe if I get to know him I'll stop wanting to fuck his wife so much.
He's like a hurricane
a drunk, sexist, hurricane
Last night I went outside to our neighbors and asked them to put in money with me to get a hot tub for our patio. Niceeeee
The married guy I've been fucking broke it off because I'm not a trump supporter and don't share his "traditional values".
I just tried to lit a bowl with my chapstick.
Randomize
