i realized our last day of finals is on cinco de mayo....it's god's way of saying drink ridiculous amounts of tequila and wear sombreros
Just got a hand job during Charlie St.cloud I honestly never thought Id thank Zac Efron fir one of his movies but thank you
TOMORROW NIGHT CAN I HOLD YOU LIKE A BABY
This is the first time I have ever hoped it's poison ivy on my cock
Yeah I'm a responsible adult man but I legally unbind myself from anything that occurred that evening and am in no way responsible for those actions.
I just saw a fat chick ask the bartender to top her corona off with grenandine cuz she has a "sweet tooth" no that's diabetes fatty
Apparently unused tampons can also double as things to bite down on during public sex to prevent screaming...
By the way. I expect to test the theory of you running a mile drunk for memorial day.
I think the universe has a conglomeration of sentences reserved only for me.
i'm not saying you're gay. i'm just saying all my gay friends think you have a great ass.
I know this is super early in advance but can I borrow your horse mask on 4/20
I'm pretty sure our sex is better than most foods and that says a lot too bc I really like food
The morning after your company Xmas party and that moment you're eating a block of cheese in bed wearing a sequin blazer and recalling all the details of your one night stand with a coworker who happened to start that day...fuck.
But what we lack in money, we make up for in dry humor and drugs
I was told i took a shot doing a headstand in the backseat then proceeded to barf all over my face
I had no idea you were so talented.
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