Im at the hospital with monitors on and a giant green top hat. i blew a 24somethin. Im fucked.
It took him longer to remove his skinny jeans than it did for him to finish. I didn't even have time to realize it sucked until it was already over.
he kept saying "mind over matter" as he fucked me
Police were closing down the bar due to gunfight and I was crying because they wouldn't let me finish putting temporary shamrock tats on my boobs
Stole a wheelchair from the hospital and rolled down the street smoking and drinking this is my weekend
Is this like a "I'm taking you out to dinner and treating you with respect" kind of date, or is this a "I'm gonna fill you with alcohol and cheese and stuff my dick in your anus" kind of date?
My parents called me out on catching us walking home from the bar in a swimming motion because "it was too windy to walk" home...
My cab driver just suggested I brush my teeth because he can smell "the party" on me.
Was my shirt on fire at any point last night? Because I'm fairly sure my shirt was on fire.
She just rubbed her face up and down my six pack cooing. Equal measure of weird and hot.
He is sitting on the foor in the soup aisle saying "to each their own soup"
We exchanged spring break stories last night. Open relationships are the best.
sorry there isn't a 'perfect ass' emoji
He made me watch a sex tape him and his gf made. They were in the shower when her roommate walked in on them. Not kidding: she asked to join in.
I hate him. He gets laid, my dick gets laughed at.
Facebook: “Hey you fucked on a diving board, you should probably should wish him a happy birthday”
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