i woke up and my collection of plastic neon wayfarers were half-melted in the microwave. my drunk self hates my hipster self
I mean, she is a dancer for the Suns. If I didnt fuck her that would just be bad team spirit.
in hindsight, the duct tape banana hammock was a bad idea.
They really brought out their best strippers for vday weekend
He was the only guy who ever made me cry..
Who, the park ranger who made you dump out your beer on the beach?
Can I bring home a duck? Dead serious
The only alcohol in the house was a bottle of Sherry. It's like cough syrup that I shotgunned off Strawberry Shortcake's ass.
Drinking Hot Toddies on the Porch and blasting bob dylans "hurricane" bring it on sandy!
I was woken up in my old house by the new residents ... I don't even have a Key anymore
Well he's a 33 year old furniture salesman that picked up at 19 year old buying a bedroom set for her room. I can see how that would be awkward
I just got the two most enjoyable things in life in one... Weed delivered in bubble wrap.
I mean I only got hit in the ass with ONE firework
Were you citizens arresting people again last night?
My mother just set me up with the son of the man I fucked last weekend. I could crawl under a rock and die OR I could remember the rules of genetics and hope that JR takes after daddy. Wish me luck...
I swear I'm an adult. I say as I send my mom to go find me green lucky charms and lady gaga oreos
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