I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
I served up a girl her first a2m the other day. You would have been proud.
I'm to the point in my high that every song eventually turns into Lady Gaga
did that guy on the oscars really just tell me to text a dolphin?
Who cheats on Christmas eve? It's just asking for Jesus to hate you
He was pretty wasted I guess, but the crippled guy threw the first punch it was awesome
He turned off the music when i walked in and introduced me to everyone. then they gave me jager and made me chug it while holding a giant purple dildo. everything resumed when i finished
It's not meant to be. I also just shot a turkey baster of gin into Nate's eye, so....
I was puking in the bathroom when my fake tooth fell off of my retainer so I just walked out of the bar and didn't say goodbye to my date
I made my uber driver take a pit stop between clubs so we could restock on Xanax. #priorities
He may be 6' 6" but I'm 180 lbs of pure rage and determination
Vodka Red Bull is like your spinach if you were Popeye
we went book shopping, so yes this relationship is going to be about more than sex
I almost wrecked my car because of a guy in skinny jeans had a boner
Okay. Did I say I did anything unusual? Because I usually do weird stuff. Did I clean mirrors? My mirrors are really clean, and I think I remember having windex..
Randomize
