She was like a white Oprah, but with less conviction.
I'm eating all of the evidence.
I am one bad relationship away from having 30 cats.
When you want to head down the cleveland on Sunday?
What time do the bars open? I dont want to remember how bad theyre gonna lose
What happened?....
He lifted up the blanket, and whispered "Don't do it" to his sperm....
New plan: we get a little bit drunk and go to 24 hour fitness and be eachothers wing people so we can hit on in shape hot people at a gym instead of drunk idiots at a bar.
Threw a lawn chair at the neighboors dog. I think I killed him. Come here and assess this
Just shook hands with the bud light truck driver, thanked him for his service to our country
You threw up? Were you ladylike while you did it? I'm wagering that you were. Like a Disney princess. Like a "Puke Me Pretty" Barbie.
i spent my morning giving relationship advice to the kid i had sex with on a kitchen table this weekend
I have this terrible fear I might accidentally text a pic of my dick to my grandma
Also I feel I should tell you last night when I came home I fell into my laundry hamper and woke up in a pile of my clothes
I made a bong out of my deodorant today. Did you?
My room looks so cute. Who wouldn't want to hook up with me in here?
You mom sent me some article linking anal sex, damaged prostates and sterility. Does she still think your gonna go straight and have kids one day?
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