Every good night starts with white castle burgers and shots in the parking lot.
He literally said to me "go ahead and answer that text message while I eat you out"... Maybe I AM the relationship type...
Way to high for badminton right now. This is gonna be a shitshow.
Luckily my prof thought I was puking from nerves and gave me motivational mini speeches the entire final.
I threw all my money on the ground and said it was for homeless people and fell down the stairs
I deserve like a purple heart or something. I just made it all the way drunk through my 2 story house without making a sound. While carrying a trombone.
Yeah. Not my best idea. But I'm hoping for the best . And by best, I mean not jail
Your ankle brace is here and the saw is charged. Grab some vodka that cast is coming off tonight.
WE SHOULD FUCK TWO GUYS THAT LIVE TOGETHER
THAT WOULD BE SO CONVENIENT WE COULD CARPOOL
So, I'm drinking, and I put my head down in the table. The cat jumped up to check on me, I have a cat sober monitor.
You went through my pantry and left one of everything in the box. One cracker. One cheesit. One piece of cereal. I really fucking hate you.
The hardest part about being a child of divorce is when you're at your dad's house but your condoms are at your mom's house.
My soul is telling me that I need to take this exam naked.
I wonder if go pro can customize a cock ring so I don't have to hold the camera anymore
Today will be the day I throw up in my backpack in the middle of class
Randomize