yo i stole a wine glass from the ritz but i spilled wine on my hundo dolla shirt
I'd wear matching sweaters with you
I'm not sure how exactly, but this funeral has turned into a ridiculous night of drinking games
I had some like war flashbacks of giving someone a handjob and i was trying to figure out who it was.
I'm sorry I kept calling you a pussy... but to be fair, you were being a pussy.
Also, I found out tonight a major plus for being female is you can accidentally call the hot bartender sweet tits and she won't get mad.
Can I please come dance in my bra to destiny's child with you? I'll bring the wine and the glitter
Only I could go on a date with one guy, have a beer with a different guy and go home with the guy im trying to avoid. I have a talent or a problem.
So far I consider it a great summer because I have had to buy Plan B a total of zero times
I need to wash the frat house off of me
You need to finger her with the Spock hand sign since she loves Star Trek.
Double dirt bag award winner tonight. He picked me up in his wife's car.
I accidentally gave my prayer card to the bouncer. Clearly a cry for help #saveme
You told me you were going to invite all of your Tinder matches to the same bar on the same night and make them compete for your affection in a series of Lust Olympics. Winner gets laid.
That's nice of you to be concerned, but I'm pretty confident I'll marry someone 30 years older than me, ride out being the trophy wife for 10 or 15 years, then live large!
Randomize
