All I did today at work was try to remember in vivid detail what your cock looks like.
And then he said "my dick isn't hard enough and your tits aren't big enough for this to work"
He just randomly started talking about Haiti and Conan O'Brien and his grandpa's hip replacement operation. It was the worst phone sex I've ever had.
just started drinking the sprite you used to ice your crotch last night. Missing you already
Jeff just maced a waitress...it's way too early for this.
We found you facedown on his couch in a pile of cheerios, with only one shoe on. Dude you said you were staying in last night.
What did he say?
NOTHING. GODDAMN HIM AND HIS MAGICAL PENIS!
is it acceptable to cross the border for sex?
Do u ever find yourself high af, watching American ninja warrior and crying at the athletes stories?
STOP PUTTING PICTURES OF JONAH HILL IN MY KITCHEN CABINETS!
I FUCKED WHEELCHAIR DUDE
HE'S INTO WEIRD SHIT
GOOD KIND OF WEIRD SHIT
I think I met my butt stuff soulmate
not only did u rap a voicemail to me last night.... but it lasted so long that it cut you off so you called back to finish..... never do this again
had more orgasms than hours of sleep last night
I just caught my bangs on fire trying to lite a bowl while driving. Thank god it wasn't my eyebrows like last time.
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