This guy told us that for a dollar and two cigarettes he'd let Megan stomp on his crotch. We were gonna refuse, but we figured someone had to keep him from passing his stupid genes along.
Y do pigs give u trufles on farmville? I WANT BACON YOU FUCKING PIG!
I wish I had my own personal Asian lady that lived under my bed so that she could wax my eyebrows and give me a pedicure whenever I wanted.
if i see another status about New Moon, i'm gonna punch a baby
She fucked me because she said I looked like Neil Patrick Harris
What's the protocol on showing a video of me sucking the life out of my ex in order to prove beyond a doubt that I give great head???
I'm sorry, the person you're trying to reach is WAYYY too high to deal with this right now.
Literally too hungover to pull out of the driveway. Tried 3 times and failed. I'm going back to bed.
I forgot drug dealers have families, too. Cheers to a sober, uncomfortable, slightly enraging Thanksgiving.
well. can officially check "get caught having sex on the front porch by the neighbors" off the bucket list.
You blacked out at 9:30 and insisted on sleeping in the hallway after you chugged an entire pitcher of beer. I guess the Jell-O shots were stronger than we thought...
Denim handjobs are the worst handjobs. I hate all handjobs. Why do people even.
I wasn't going to just ask my parents for a damn vibrator for christmas
Just watched a middle age white woman scream WHY DON'T YOU GO FUCK YOURSELF, HELEN?! Helen seemed absolutely scandalized.
He is getting no nudes from me. I don't even care if I'm losing his legal advice.
Randomize
