I'm pounding a vodka drink as we speak to make her interesting
i bet if teenage jesus was here he would do a shot with me
I wish sober me loved running as much as drunk me...
Well apparently "don't come inside of me" wasn't one of the English phrases he understood! On the bright side... At least he will get his green card for having an american kid!
No amount of marijuana is enough to justify blood on my ceiling
He just asked me to pee through my panties while he watched. I might need more tequila for this one.
doing a walk of shame covered in blue food coloring is only embarrassing if you make it embarrassing...actually no its embarrassing on all accounts
Power went out. She lit a candle and gave me head. Made some pretty impressive candlelight cocksucking shadowpuppets. Must be what porn was like in olden times.
I have way too big of a thanksgiving food baby to enjoy any of my old high school booty calls
I would really just like to get laid somewhere that's not on a bathroom floor at this point in my life
I fell asleep on the floor again. i dont want help, just a pillow. its kind of nice down here.
It's Christmas, you should know what a virgin is.
I've been back for one day and I've already given two bjs. Improvement from last year.
You know that you're in a bad spot when the doctor puts you on 500mg of amoxicillin 4 times a day for ten days and puts refills on it...
I don't even remember what dignity looks like anymore. I JUST WANTED TO ROAST SOME POTATOES
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