I called the bartender Mr. Intoxication last night. He thought it was funny until i threw up and blamed it on him
I just had to pull over at a starbucks to throw up in the bathroom. They really should not have let me be a lawyer.
I just watered my plants with apple juice. Look what you made me do.
She thought I was gay, so I told her I'd be more comfortable with anal. She agreed.
I'm on a cruise to the Bahamas and this text message is gunna cost me $10 but I need you to pray on my behalf for the things I'm about to do these 2 girls and what I did last night to a 35 year old mother of 3.
no. i just ate a whole thing of hot dogs. me and regret are sleepng alone tonigh.
I want a meaningful relationship and i wont get one if i keep giving him blow jobs in my basement while watching family guy.
His dick was poking my bladder. That big...
I think i blacked out...but i remember licking your teeth
I peed in my sheets during a dream. Like straight up. A whole new drunk.
I was at that stage of drunk where it seemed appropriate to just make out with everyone. As like a greeting.
I hear you
Oh and someone pissed in my shoes, so I'll let you figure that out.
I've also stopped shaving, like, everything. I can't tell if I'm empowered or sad
I dropped a piece of Mac and cheese in the shower and I almost still ate it. Stoned, but not stoned enough to degrade myself.
You’re better off without him. Actually, he’s better off without you and that’s what really matters
Randomize
