Nothing better then your mother meeting someone you randomly had sex with and him introducing himself as the guy who rocked her world once.
Why does every girl think its ok to cheat on their boyfriends with me?
Doctor took one look at my penis and said, 'you don't have herpes, you just masturbate too much'
my night ended in me puking all over jenna's bed, then me trying to wash the sheets in the toilet.
sorry can't. you know Saturday is the masturbating day for single sorority girls here.
she chugged a bowl of salsa and then gave my ferret weight loss tips. she's like my fucking spirit animal now
Yo I found your batman costume.... It was in my pool with a shitload of beer cans
Do you think county jail has a Groupon?
She's going to be the first to die of too much illness. Not even super bad stuff like cancer but like for having a cold at the same time as a sore throat and chlamydia or something. Just too much diseases.
You couldn't even walk but you came into the kitchen with the funnel and begged me to put beer in it
I'm going to smell of sex and shame.
How is that different than any other Monday night?
I'm not 100 percent on this, but I think I just shit a lump of cement. What the fuck happened last night?
I had to ask her to let go of my cock this morning so I could go home. She just kept saying "no, please, no..."
We kicked down a door together last night, pretty sure that qualifies us as best friends.
I went with vodka instead of tequila tonight so I make better decisions. Fool proof plan.
Randomize
