Nah got too drunk to function...probably could have dragged something home over my shoulder if the cops didn't roll
First, he can't make me cum.. And now, he can't get it up because he LOVES me?!!??! i don't think so.
tequila makes my crab dance SOOOO much better
I just woke up covered In blood, I have cuts all over my body, I can't find my clothes from last night, I'm still wasted, i'm pretty sure I have a sprained ankle, and the best part is, I have absolutely no recollection of what led to this. THAT'S why vodka is the greatest drink in the world.
I may have discovered that porn hub is on my top visited sites during class this morning.
Okay so if I'm going to keep referring to my hangover in the third person it needs a name.
Just got a call at work, I have to consent to a random drug and alcohol test by end of business day, if you arranged this it's the best/worst April fools prank ever.
My complete lack of self respect has really improved my blow job technique
Please stop leaving drunk voicemails with your new black/Irish accent.
Now that I'm single, I like to think of myself as in a relationship with Taco Bell.
Jesus these cramps...it's like every potential fetus I swallowed last night is personally punching me in the uterus
He was hammered and shot his pistol into the lawn. Next thing I know sheriffs are at our house with M4s. He likes to party
My ex-fiancee UPS-ed me a sixer of tall boys, and a fifth of bourbon for christmas, from halfway across the country. What does this mean?
I'm actually more excited that I had so much sex this weekend that my ovaries hurt
Honestly no idea how dad figured out i did all that gay porn unless he was looking at gay porn.
Randomize
