His internet searches, listed chronologically: sex slave, volunteer sex slave, lava
and honestly a story about how you met your future husband that DOESN'T include the words "creeped him on facebook" is really not a story worth sharing
Shit. We're going to have to drink until they're cute
Hello cirrhosis
At one point, the guy you were fucking high-fived with the guy I was fucking. We should hang out with them again?
I feel like all of the victims from Seven. Best birthday weekend ever.
I was making out with him, and then his friend randomly took off my pants and started going down on me. My first semi-threesome was a success.
Let me be the 15% helpful, 85% useless as shit angel on your shoulder.
He's not actually Jewish. Turns out he just wears the yarmulke to cover his bald spot.
Last night you said you were going to stop drinking and then proceeded to dip cookies in your vodka.
Sadly that explains a lot.
Yeah I was just reminiscing about that time a seagull shit on your head at the beach
His dick is a skeleton key. It fits everywhere.
my ex finally blocked me on all social media and tbh I'm only pissed because his roomate just got a puppy
She was pretty impressed that I led all thirty of us back to campus in my state of drunk. Evidently so impressed that she now refers to me as "Moses" in bed.
this dude is way too smart. he just explained to me the different scientific components of drugs while we smoked. i said i loved icecream.
Jesus better clutch that motherfucking wheel, then.
I'M NOT PUTTING MY TRUST IN JESUS! I'M PUTTING MY TRUST IN YOU!
Randomize
