his text ended with ... everyone knows dot dot dot equals infer sexy time
Just farted cum and thought I shit myself. Crisis averted tho
Come back. She's looking through naked pics of his exes on his phone and questioning him about them and I'm too drunk to walk away.
Can't promise anything, there's vodka in my thermos
With the drought our water bill is skyrocketing. No more shower sex, masturbating, or pretending to be under a water fall after smoking a blunt.
You have not lived until you've puked on your sequined UGGs in the Rite Aid parking lot while going to buy emergency contraceptives.
it's always good to have a friend that's a hairdresser, a massage therapist, maybe throw in a lawyer just in case, and always have a friend on food stamps
yeah, you could tell they werent used to the strange things that i say. they were all outright shocked when i told one guy i hoped someone kidnapped him and stretched his dickhole over a fire hydrant
Did you take the bag w/your drugs & cookie cutter?
I'd marry him just to keep his penis in the country
This is like the first time all week I've properly taken my birth control. My ovaries are so stoked I just know it.
Which sister was it? The one I accidentally hit when my shoe flew off or the one I ate candy off of when we were high?
You spilt a drink on my couch, then used my dog to mop it up... you called her a mop dog, repeatedly
She started crying, nearly punched a guy, started smoking multiple cigarets backwards and broke the slide on her bong. Why do I always end up babysitting the crazy ones?
On this version of “Dean Can’t Be a Normal Fucking Human,” I told a guy I’d shove a tv up his ass. Recreationally.
Plasma, LED or OLED?
Randomize
