Nice. Sry i missed. Also sorry that i pissed on my toothbrush last nite
Sink seemed easy target but balance was no good
He's gotten way too comfortable around me. He came into the bathroom and took a shit while I was in the shower.
Packed at 6 am completely wasted. Damage assessment: 12 pairs of socks (no underwear), a flashlight, 3 shorts, shot glass, 8 sweaters, puff paint, one sneaker.
As I was going down on her I noticed she had a tatoo on her inner thigh that said "Eat it like your birthday cake".
I don't know what he did but now I'm terrified of mustache rides and it's only movember 3rd
You ordered 6 boxes of pizza and laughed in the pizza guys face when you didn't pay for any of them.
We told you to stay put for 2 minutes. We come back out and your being handcuffed yelling "DO YOU FEEL LIKE A GOOD FUCKING PERSON ARRESTING ME ON MY BIRTHDAY?!"
took off my bra and popcorn fell out of it. im gonna puke at this wedding...
He needs to seriously stop texting me at 3am for sex. Late night and early morning hours are for the guys who DON'T bust a nut in the first 5 minutes of making out.
Yeah minute men are best for late afternoons when you're inbetween running errands and have nothing to do.
I fucking love your mom. She's so drunk and fully functional. I aspire to be her one day.
I am buying anal lube, an enema, and a bag of kit kats. What part of this is compelling the Walgreens woman to tell me to "be well".
There's a guy running dressed as a bunny toward your house.
I've never had to kick an employee out of bed to go to work before.
Somehow reaching for the flaming hot cheetos ended up in the best sex of my life
I didn't even get crazy off of the coke so everything's fine. Also, I think I might have killed my aunt's dog..
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