So im going to watch Hocus Pocus in my footie pajamas... How am I in college?
Do you remember anything yesterday that led to needing a cup of couscous in my closet?
All is not lost. The bondage chair came with repair seals and glue. It's like the knewwwwwww this would happen.
lit a joint with my parents wedding matches today, this is what happens when you're out of lighter fluid. didnt even feel guilty.
Slept in my car last night. It snowed. I peed on the street. Hello 29...
the mechanics of walkigng feel weird right now everyone lools like a demon
what does alcohol mean
I'm going to practice throwing things up the the air and catching them between my boobs, because that seems like a cool party trick.
As soon as the clock wound down to zero, she declared "HALF-TIME HEAD" and pulled down my pants. After the swallow, she said "BEER CHASER," got me a new one, and asked if she could make me a sandwich. Pretty sure she's lobbying hard for a ring.
I just chugged whiskey at 7 AM because going to breakfasts at Brendas doesnt seem right if Im not real drunk. I feel like when Brenda takes my order she can tell Im drunk and will take care of me.
but I have boobs. I'm not going to buy my own drinks at the bar like some kind of fucking animal.
EITHER I'M HIGH OR JUST REACHED A NEW LEVEL OF SINGLE FEMALE SADNESS BECAUSE THIS BROWNIE IS GIVING ME ORGASMS
Only great wives bring your dope to you when you are at the Cardiologist
His Australian accent during sex made me think I was in an Outback Steakhouse commercial
She made me pour olive oil on her.
Idk I think he's weird but he's also from Wisconsin so that might have something to do with it.
Randomize
