this girl is running around outside screaming, it's creaming on me! it's creaming on me. I totally have to find my video camera
He actually believes he's not an alcoholic if he doesn't go to meetings.
a dead guy is trying to sell me oxy clean on my tv
Oh no I havn't even told you about the naked asians yet
i must of done something right to please the booty call gods. . . maybe fucking that fat chick?
he said he would handcuff me to his penis. thats not even possible. i want to go home.
And then he posed under the bed and said, "you should draw me like one of your french girls." Why do they keep giving this kid drugs?
i wasnt laughing because you were puking, i was laughing because three yards away there was a couple seriously getting it on
continuing my moment killer tradition in the best possible way
He wouldn't let me put a red handprint on his face or scream to him everytime he walked away.
Why did you want to do any of that?
If someones last name is Wilson, you are obligated to pretend that you are Tom Hanks and they are a Volleyball and quote the movie when you speak to them.
I don't care how great the sex was, I cannot unsee what has been seen. I regret ever stalking his Facebook.
Did you go to church in Texas and sign me up?
You need southern Jesus
I'm pretty sure NORMAL roommates don't have to hide each others sex toys from their fuck buddies.
Nothing ruins an orgasm faster than accidentally calling out his boss's name
Just threw up in a cup driving down the road because there was cop behind me and I didn't want to pull over. Not sure if winning or failing at life.
also, I think I lit my hair on fire when I got home..
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