i'm surrounded by gay midgets. not sure if i'm bragging or asking you to come rescue me. wait for follow up.
Outside the community dumpsters: beer bottles and a carton of orange juice. Looks like we were here.
She rolled a blunt with one hand...and instantly I had a boner, I'm going to marry this girl.
you spent the rest of the night making a recipe for mixed drink called "the new years bowel remover". it has 13 parts but judging from the bold all caps, the boiled avocado is the most important
Her fucking playlist had randy newman on it. It was like woody was watching the whole time.
Somehow I got food poisoning AND alcohol poisoning in the same night. Its like everything I love is trying to kill me. I'm waiting for my tv to make its move.
I'm watching intervention which is getting me psyched for your birthday. Is that wrong?
Please save me from this creative non fiction class. I just wrote a paper about how I spend unhealthy amounts of time with my cat.
I spend unhealthy amounts of time watching RuPaul's Drag Race.
I referred to the cat as amicable.
We were simultaneously boning chicks 3 feet away from each other. Do you realize how much that upped our 15 year friendship?
I am not working on the very first day I can throw up alcohol that I legally bought and drank.
Last night I had a sex dream about Trudeau, he hasn't even been prime minister for 24 hours
I know that you sometimes make decisions based on comedic effect, but losing your virginity shouldn't be one of them.
She wouldn't fuck me because I had a cast, so I took her friend home
Like people might wonder why I put up with your puns. You give good head and play with my hair
I must stop trying to make out with my friends when I'm hammered.
Randomize
