He kissed a someone with a penis
Just found my mom passed out in my bed holding a bag of wine. Not sure if I'm ashamed or proud.
There is tupperware vodka. thats right tupperwares full of vodka. best leftovers ever
i feel like i was in a swimming pool of captain and coke and had to drink my way out
I'm sexting at the thanksgiving dinner table...this is a new holiday tradition.
You both ran and jumped into the tub yelling Jamaican bobsled team
URGENT INPUT I'm at a renesance fair after party and I'm 100% lined up to fuck their sword swallower OR their contortionist. Dont say both - which direction doth I roll?
He's against "violent sex" cause apparently my body is "sacred". Like dude I'm about to tell you about blowing your brother just so you'll fuck me like an animal Jesus Christ....
I found you in the bathroom. You were sitting cross-legged on the floor wearing nothing but socks completely surrounded by broken crayons.
Hungover in church. I can feel stained glass Jesus judging me.
Side note, i did some manscaping and now my farts sound way different
I literally just skipped to the fridge when I realized we had enough vodka left to get day drunk
Can't we just go back to fucking and having your boyfriend think you're completely straight?
I just folded my laundry and I washed 3 pairs of underwear and 6 jizz towels. Clearly I'm quarantining right.
After he finished, he fell on the floor and whispered "finally satisfied"
Randomize
