i can't watch a movie tonight dude, im smoking weed
you smoke with your eyes?
What time are you coming? Can you stop and get mouse traps and trojans?
You have mice?
no why?
dude they were twins that means they were both only 17
Why is there 6 cases of kwic trip dounuts dumped in my bed? Best 34 dollar wake up of my life
I just saw a fat chick walking across campus talking to herself and licking her lips. Diet season is scary.
I want to punch and suck your dick at the same time. I don't think we have the healthiest of relationships.
He came inside me, looked me in the eye and said, "Happy Mother's Day"
This is breast cancer awareness month... The least we can do is give a stripper some singles.
Seriously I will never run in my wedges while drinking racing home to have sex ever again
Made eye contact with a friendly neighborhood dog walker while violently puking out the window. How's your Wednesday going?
There's an owl outside. I feel like he's hooing directly at me.
Holy sore nipples Batman
Should I be concerned that the new guy I'm seeing just referred to my stealing a sailboat in college while drunk as "wholesome"?
You're too drunk for my bullshit, and i'm too sober to put up with yours. I have no idea how you expect to find middle ground here.
you asked the cab driver if he wanted to meet your parents, last night.
Randomize
