Dear everyone that texted me last night wondering where i was. i ended up face down blacked up drunk before i made it to the party. My bad
She pulled a cheeseburger out of her purse. I have missed her so much.
I saved $70 from being to drunk to go out last night so I figured I could buy a new watch.
He's been grabbing my ass as a greeting since 2004, sex was overdue
He came up to me muttering about the pills on the bathroom floor... I found him an hour and a half later trying to take naked photos of himself with an alarm clock...
Thanks for putting pants on me last night. And for calling me a princess.
There is no way I am paying you $5 apiece for pot brownies you found behind a dumpster. $2, maybe.
Do you think kicking my coke habit is a good personal goal to put down on the evaluation form?
Ever since we've gotten back together, it's like the ghosts of booty call's past have been hitting me up. Lol.
Because sadly the idea of me having a girlfriend is crazy enough to be an April fools prank
Did I try to sell your body for chicken tenders last night?
There's a bull to ride and dancing on the bar is encouraged. This is my heaven. And this is why god made leopard tube tops.
I didn't even know we were hiding from the cops, I was just playing with the cats. People kept telling me to be quiet the cops are here and I was like DID YOU SEE THIS CAT!?
I believe the only reason I am slightly functional right now is the leftover drugs in my nose that I keep sniffing
Ahhh, beer. My second favorite breakfast drink.
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