I'm partying with my neighbors right now, and by "with my neighbors" I mean they are partying in their backyard and I'm partying in mine, and by "partying" I mean I'm sitting here alone drinking tequila.
She was doing lines off of her friends boobs in the limo at 9 oclock on a thursday This has the potential to be the best weekend ever
Nothing like all your friends getting engaged to remind you how much fun sleeping around is.
Disregard that. She just puked into her boot and started screaming.
his life revolves around getting high and answering people on yahoo answers. he's perfect for you.
Come on. I'll make you hot pockets. Literally and sexually.
We're going to brunch on Super Bowl Sunday. I am not a smart man.
I tolerate his mediocre drunk sex for the mind blowing morning sex. More than worth it.
Not sure when or why this happened but I just stopped giving a shit about everything
This morning when you were fucking me you said you'd go to the store and get me tampons and a 30 pack
And to celebrate the raising of our lord I just purchased a bunny buttplug. Am I doing this Easter thing right?
There's lube and condom packets all over the street we missed something awesome.
YOU WILL GIVE ME MASHED POTATOES OR I WILL RIP YOUR SOUL INTO 7 PIECES AND YOU WILL TURN INTO LORD VOLDEMORT
It’s like a sexy version of those choose your own adventure books from when we were kids. No matter what you choose, there will be penis!
I’m the skeleton in his closet, but I only come out on Tuesday and Thursday afternoon and when his wife is out of town
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