it was the least impressive dick i've ever seen... and i've changed babies' diapers.
Yep. About to get on pornhub to spill some Christmas cheer
Your mom can still drink beer standing on her head! Talk to you tomorrow :)
Mom wtf!?
im in class. still drunk. wearing one sock. eating a breakfast sandwich and trying to make sure this bottle of whiskey doesnt fall out of my purse in front of my professor
It was an igloo shaped doghouse, I was obligated to hotbox it
Bartending School is so much more enjoyable now that I realized I was in rehab at this time last year.
normally i would apologize for my drunk texting but even sober me agrees.
I know it's early but when you wake up can you please validate my life and tell me I'm not just a drunk idiot.
I chugged that bitch with a dip in.
You somehow managed to be a man whilst drinking a Mike's Hard. I commend you.
he gave me a flinstones gummy vitamin and was like, "ya know.. because of ebola."
Hung out near hay bales in sweaters then she gave me a pumpkin spice pop rocks bj. That was so freakin' seasonal.
Me and my liver are not on speaking terms.
You're gonna be sprawled out basking in the sun working on your tan like a ridiculously hot iguana, and I'm gonna be here bundled up in about 72 layers just so I don't freeze my dick off looking like the Michelin man's gay cousin
i apologize, I may have called you an iguana
Mistakes were made
If you could not mention to him that I slept with his best friend, that'd be cool of you.
I am mildly hung over. Decided pants are very unnecessary right now.
Randomize
