I just threw up during my phone interview for the largest PR firm in the world.
dude thats like the second time shes peed on the couch at a party. we cant invite her anymore
We asked an illegal alien to buy us beer. He didn't even want a tip. I'm going to Washington to plead that case.
That just sounds like a recipe for sex in my backyard. Yes.
nothing like a cross blunt to celebrate the birth of our savior
We are going to need a water proof camera with a flash....exit routes....lots of booze.....and a tutu for good measure
She insisted on cleaning her room in the dark. 5 minutes in, she forgot what she was doing and started putting shirts on instead of hanging them up.
Hey nothing wrong with those! I can't believe the guys who let me see where they live on first dates. Even more surprising, I don't stalk them after they've done me wrong.
Turns out he has a 6pack too. Alright adorable snapchatting manwhore dude, you win.
I have a hook up buddy in Abiquiu. He lives next to a Chipotle; that's the only reason I see him.
It's called life, you pretentious bitch. Grow up.
I'm driving to work hungover. I feel like I got hit by a train and then drank that train too.
If this adventure is going to get us arrested it'll have to wait until Wednesday so that I can bail myself out.
Just calm down. My foot long super joint and I will be over shortly.
I have mystery bruises on my right knee, right arm, under my chin, and on my forehead. What the fuck happened last night??
Randomize
