I can't get in trouble, i'm smoking a bong in the office right now
where are you?
in the room with the baby pig
k im coming soon
Ive given up on my natural charms. Im trying different accents till some girl wants to hook up with me.
Get in the lobby, you have to sign my boxers
Nothing says "I forgive you for puking on me during sex" like a Facebook add the next morning...
She just laid there, sucking on a piece of steak, with the most content look on her face. Just before she passed out (steak still on her mouth) she said the cat box needed to be emptied
The cop told you to put your hands behind your back and you slurred "I'm not falling for that again"
You know what's even more awkward then buying plan b from someone who is a member at the gym you work at... When they come in after that day and have that look of recognition
You threw up in a empty pizza box at Pizza Hut and opened the door with your face. So that maybe why it's bruised.
So I have to masturbate in a hospital. I wonder what kind of porn they have.
I found the guy I hooked up with last night on Wikipedia, at least now I know how old he is.
Trying to stay sober at a family function but hiccuping so fucking loud. "Have you been drinking?" I hit on my cousin so yeah. I have been drinking.
Update: I spent 10 minutes trying to fish out a rogue vagina weight.
I'm gonna invite every single tinder date I've had to my birthday. Let them fight, battle Royale style. The winner gets to fuck me. \n\nBest. Birthday. Ever
not even sure this counts as hungover but like my body can't exist in reality today
Randomize
