You should never have let annie watch you have sex with other women
You kept hiding marshmallows in the freezer saying "they would never think to look here"
there is no way i'm buying plan b and condoms at the same time
no do it! it shows that you acknowledge your mistakes and you are proactively working towards a solution.
This whole situation could've been avoided if you would've just let me open the beer
He gave up on mugging us when Dave wouldn't stop laughing. He was wiggling his finger at the knife and making baby noises and giggling. The guy just walked away.
I have no idea. There are 6 asians singing hey soul sister to me right now.
She insisted on cleaning her room in the dark. 5 minutes in, she forgot what she was doing and started putting shirts on instead of hanging them up.
Perhaps if I didn't mortify my parents last night with my drunken obnoxious behavior which resulted in the casualty of an entire decorative bathroom shelf which I completely ripped off the wall and left for dead, I would be more than willing to go day drinking.
Just sent my cousin to buy me a new bra cause mine is zip tied to a bar in the middle of nowhere Iowa
We were having sex in the gardens when the grounds keeper walked up on us. He gave me a thumbs up and walked away
the texts you sent will act as the rosetta stone for all drunk people
To celebrate the holidays this evening, I will be replying “FUCK YOU” to all my spam emails. Can’t tell you how excited I am
You invited these random guys into your apartment that you met in the hallway...& then you started screaming at them to get out cause you didn't know who they were.
I just found peanut butter between my boobs. This was for you.
Car sex in a public place. Boo ya.
Randomize
