I just realized i haven't had sex in 2009. oh man thats embarrassing.
seriously i just wanna be friends
pass
Dude, I think my check liver light just came on
Oh god. It's my first day here, I'm still drunk and somebody just drifted in a forklift. I'm going to die.
He keeps trying to sell me the forks from his kitchen drawer
I can already almost taste penis in my mouth
If I EVER think it's a good idea to blow someone who just showed me their synchronized swimming performance on youtube again please correct me immediately.
20 bottles of wine, 3 cases or beer, and 5 bottles in my kitchen... My parents are teasing me.
Get a piano. I want to have sex on it.
They were scared I was going to get lost last night so they dressed me up as Waldo so someone would always find me.
This is America. Thomas Jefferson would have said I want some vagina.
She pinched my nipples out of nowhere as I was about to come... I think I found god
I vomited out my contact lenses last night
They made me leave the maternity ward, how do I get back in?
I have decided that I would still fuck Harrison Ford even though he is old as fuck now. Do you think it would kill him?
Most likely. But I bet he'd do a bang up job of it before he died.
He absolutely would.
Randomize
