Im listening to a jazz version of dick in a box.
babies were throwing up all over the place
I just wanted to say sorry for trying to jack off your dog last night.
they told me her nickname is "wizard sleeve"
pick me up NOW
Also, the zoloft kicked in and I can't get an erection anymore. So I'm depressed.
She stumbled in with some guy, woke me up, introduced him and said "This is my sister. She's a freshman. She probably hates you."
Can we put this graduation on the shelf figuratively and go drink
There's a baby duck in my toilet. Fuck you.
Got out of the uber to projectile vomit in the McDonald's drive thru. Gonna take a break from the Cuervo for a while.
I came home with 30lbs of BBQ last night. I can't pick up women in a bar but I sure can pick up leftovers from a corporate party.
How'd your date go last night?
Well I blacked out at 1:30 and woke up naked in not-my-date's bed with an uneaten Jimmy John's sandwich.
Just a reminder- you dropped broccoli in my car and then felt bad for it and named him Henry
I know. I miss henry.
Yeah apparently i called the bartender a "fucking prison warden" after she took my keys and called me a cab
help. there is a guy in a bunny costume.
I went to my AA meeting last night. My drug dealer is now my counselor.
Randomize
