It tastes like I coughed up blood....hello liver damage, I've been expecting you.
just had dinner with my dad's new gf and her daughter.. had to drink a beer to get through it.. she's 19 she has on a disney watch and snowflake earrings
I'm ashamed of you 12 hours later and 200 miles away
You skyped me last night to show me the girl passed out on your bed.
Where the hell is he. I called him crying for weed and sex you would think that would signal some urgency.
You need a Jiminy Cricket, but for sexual decisions.
I'm beginning to think that women just have dogs at home as an excuse to leave ASAP after hooking up, without sounding like a typical guy.
Seriously babe, why do I keep waking up with bruises on my nipples? WHAT ARE YOU DOING TO ME IN MY SLEEP?
Actually, scratch that, I'm not sure I want to know.
Do you sleep with the same women I've already slept with on purpose?
I have 13 missed calls from when I slept outside on some rocks
He's ready to settle down, whereas I'm like "More shots please"
If you gave someone an std. would you say a muffin basket, a candy gram or an edible arrangement is a better choice to send them?
FUCK YOU IM DRINKING WINE FROM A BOX
You okay there or need a ride? Maybe a straw for your box
Maybe a straw...
Point in my hangover when I'm honestly not sure if I'm about to puke, or shit my pants.
Dude I had my dad cock block me once
Randomize
