I just know... :) goodntight
Whoops, meant "goodnight", but the other is true too.
Some girl just asked us for directions back to campus. we told her to take the first four lefts. We live on a block. she believed us
I probably shouldn't have followed up that rainbow sherbet with beef jerky. This is a whole new level of fat, even for me.
we talked for like an hour, i feel like we really bonded. i mean i was simultaneously giving him head but you get the point.
I got a Luke Skywalker costume so I can go do battle with the homeless guy who plays the fiddle dressed as Darth Vader downtown.
The salesman looked at me like I was crazy when I explained the need for a headboard that had slats so I could handcuff people to it
To the person who left a cup of vomit in the bathroom: I commend you for your aim but you are dead to me- not an ideal birthday present.
Also, your vagina needs a time out and let your brain have a chance to make decisions.
Why am I the only one golf clapping for the vomiting girl on the train who just fell of her seat into her own vomit
Ordained minister or not I hereby renounce all moral responsibility for any and all related occurrences
Aren't you proud to know somebody who texts you "manifold facade" while dumping frozen colada mix into a blender of rum
I had sex on a sidewalk in downtown Chicago... I don't think I have anymore morals to lose.
Bro if you were a bird I would puke in your mouth right now
I just need you to stay far enough away that I can't smell your cologne. I completely forget that I fucking hate you as soon as I smell it.
That isn't the worst part. It got a bazillion times more awkward when he read me a poem he wrote about his dead cat.
Randomize
