did i leave my keys in your car? BTW: sorry for throwing that drink on your date.
Apparently on the way out of the ER i asked the nurse to doggie-bag me some more morphine.
I just saw a girl walking home wearing a tshirt, boxers, and cowboy boots. Thanks for having the decency to drive me to my car.
The seats are awesome but you see two of each player.
Sorry about last night..I didnt realize how drunk you were and when I closed the door it caused you to slam into the mirror...you'll probably piece together the puzzle when you read this and see your hand.
The plants looked thirsty. Growing plants need mimosas too.
You need to tell your booty call to take some sudafed or something. I swear I thought you were humping Kermit the frog last night
I woke up with glitter in my wounds.
Purse pizza: the pizza you buy before the club, and you eat on the train home. I thought you knew me by now!
Also I think I'm starting to get calluses on my hands from my level of sexual activity
i asked him to talk to me in french while we fucked and halfway through i caught the word 'lasagna'. turns out he was making his grocery list.....i asked him to keep going.
Shaving your balls drunk sounds like a good idea untill you do it
Do you want me to add this to the list of actions I will state at your intervention
Thank you, my gorgeous heroine, for being such a total life-saver by giving me rides, forcing me to eat, providing porous absorbant surfaces to bleed on, and everything else you do <3
I never thought I'd be judging my neighbors sex lives before age 30 but here we are
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