My Higher Power is John Stamos
I brought red and green boonsfarm to the white elephant party. classy and festive. I think this is what people are referring to when they talk about killing two birds with one stone.
So you really have to stop introducing me to girls and afterwards saying "he has his dick pierced" let them find out for themselves
For future reference, when you see people who look like Rosie O'donell, do not tell them they look like Rosie O'donell.
Drinking wine in my childhood bed getting ready to go to sleep in order to wake up for my menial temp job. Thanks, college degree, I can handle the real world.
Going to the hospital for stitches on my balls. Mom walked in on me manscaping with an electric razor. Tell NOBODY.
It's just a matter of time. The ball is in my court. Soon to be in her mouth.
ROOF CAVED IN, WE'RE GUNNA MAKE A WATERSLIDE
Who the fuck did i sell my right shoe to last night i need to get that back im not walking with one shoe on
I'm not saying Tijuana was a bad idea, I'm saying that we make poor life choices. And Steve was robbed by the police.
Is it weird to say that Kobe reminds me of a wise brontosaurus?
Excuse me, but I got friendzoned and all I could think about was the fact that I didn't have my underwear back on yet.
If there's one thing i learned from edward 40hands is that i couldnt handle life with bottles for hands
It will pretty much be equal to the feeling I had when you let me hold your dick while you were peeing, or when I graduated high school!
I’m going to give his broken heart CPR with my vagina
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