I walked up to her and said hello and wanted to ask her if she had fun last night... she asked me if we had met before.
"I want to just tie you up so you\'ll still be here like this when I get home." Actual words.
he just asked if i would like him to change his diet so his jizz tastes better. keeper? i think so.
She just used a turkey baster to transfer alcohol from the glass to the bottle. Just thought you should know
I made two strippers play rock paper scissors to see who would give me a lap dance last night
i lost my airplane ticket and tried to board with a bar receipt in all the confusion. i have officially lost all brain cells in college.
Oh we will ALWAYS be together. Or I'll have to delete my Facebook altogether. I've drunkenly boobie trapped photos of us into every album. There's no way I'd ever have the patience to go through that deletion process.
there's a girl on facebook trying to buy me a pizza. I can't say no... right?
Come to my pity party. It's being hosted in my basement. The theme is ambiguously sexual cuddling and wine.
We were going to play manhunt in a strip club, calling it mancunt.
friends are allowed to bang on New Years, I read it on the Internet somewhere.
Who's the naked guy asleep in your car?
Fuck. What bets did I make about "yeah when the Cubs win the World Series" that I gotta reneg on????
Woke up with a lip tattoo that says "fake news" in case you're wondering about my wellbeing
I swear I'm going to walk in one day with you in a ballgag just masturbating feverishly
Well i can't stand the sound of my own crying
Randomize
