tonight would not even compare to the night i tried to pee in the living room
It's so hard to take my boss as an authorative figure with her New Moon movie tickets taped to her wall
I swear, you have an app for that. "Attention: your boyfriend is pooping. Place call?"
Classy. Drunk on alcoholic "energy drink" at work before 8 am on a Tuesday. Between that and hanging out in bars with no pants on, your life is beginning to sound like a Bukowski novel.
He's having sex with his gf again. Every thump of his bed against the wall is insulting to our one night stand.
that girl from work that wants to bone me just said 'the last time i went this long without sex was in jail'. sup, red flag
I complimented him on his choice of carpeting while he was humping me.
Using the balance in my bank account I just calculated how many fifths of vodka I can buy this year. Don't let me buy food, all my money is reserved for alcohol
I woke up still drunk to a beautiful tattooed columbian man making me pancakes. How's your memorial day?
You spent like 10 minutes trying to hit a golf ball that was actually a cigarette butt. And then fell over.
Yeah I mean subtle isn't how I'd describe your flirtation strategy last night
I just licked a piece of cheese off my phone screen if that makes you feel any better
If I die here, tell my vagina and my cats that I'm sorry.
at that point, I wouldn't blame you because I'd be so ashamed I couldnt even have sex with myself.
So I come home this morning to get ready for a job interview and there is garlic seasoning all over the hardwood and a knife in the wall. What. the. fuck.
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