State Street has never looked so beautiful than during my walk of shame.
I just saw a girl walk by me wearing a "kiss me I'm pro choice" shirt. Is that a signal for easy access?
how are you not completely traumatized after 8 years of friendship with me?
That's like lying to my vagina. I can't betray it like that.
Just found a partially digested mushroom under my bed. Thanks for that.
Is it wrong that I want to take the baby bump in her facebook pictures as "meal-ticket"?
It wasn't until I took a shit, that I remembered that you assholes started spiking my shots with tobasco when I wasn't looking last night. Dicks.
He said I was cute and he handed me a stuffed bear from his car. I don't care that he was 80, I named it Hector.
I was more obsessed with the sweat stain on her back that was simultaneously shaped like a vagina and the virgin Mary.
Emergency nipple ring removal:vodka, tweezers, and vodka. Can you bring me a band-aid?
When a best friend shows up on a tricycle with a case a beer and goes "get on loser" you get on, because there is a magical adventure afoot
No ambien sex tonight. I just ate two hotdogs with chilli and onions.
Is it weird that the best sex I've ever had was to Barbara Streisand's Christmas album?
In case I die. I'm in ares truck with a bartender named Dave from chuys. JUST IN CASE. And let the people know my last words were suck my dick. My like literally.
And don't worry, I have a great track record of rallying after a casual midday blackout.
Randomize
