im sitting at a bagel shop wearing a princess crown hungover and have a sweater that is not mine.
the only reason I knew his name is because half way through I looked up and it was tatooed on his chest.
We are like the golden girls with less cheesecake and more drugs.
This guy legit just tried to LSAT formal logic his way into my pants. Contrapositives and everything.
you wore rainboots all night because you said the forecast called for wine spillage
I might be a bit. I accidently started hot boxing the bathroom. I'm just gonna go with it.
So the first 4 hours of my morning was equivalent to seeing under water. Things were starting to get better until I remember I drank mustard for free stuff and flossed my teeth with a strand of hair from a stranger in the bathroom.
I just explained it as we hate everyone in the world more then we hate each other. Thus making us friends. Plus we drink...a lot
I think drinking is the foundation of our friendship
I have discovered my latent superpower. If a friend is dating a bi chick they will inevitably try and talk me into a threesome.
I know now that the cab driver can get me a 10 dollar blow job. I'm practically a local.
She told me I should be proud of my dick pics, then told me she was in love with me, then I dropped her off at her boyfriend's. I was a new kind of failure tonight.
I just had a twenty minute discussion about endangered breed dog breeding with an Extremely drunk guy
So many questions...
A toast to whoever set this year's daylight savings fallback to the day after halloween, granting us another hour to detox before we pretend to be functional adults. Clearly, a partier with forethought and clear priorities. Cheers!
Dude I turned down free booze. I think I'm growing as a person.
Omg, new summer goal: sex in a bouncy castle.
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