How do you jack off and text at the same time?
On my iPhone they have an app for that
Woke up this morning to my mom on the phone with my dad saying, "It's probably just your prostate." Reasons to move out. Go.
Judging that there's a photo of me getting head while sitting on a graveyard tombstone.....not good.
There are taser marks on me. Your face flashed before my eyes when i woke up and saw them.
I'm reciting my presentation (beer in hand) on the porch to a snowmen audience.
Soooo how am i supposed to explain to my mom that i was admitted to the hospital but you kidnapped me within 20 minutes?
having sex with him is like cage fighting mixed with pilates...the condoms didn't stand a chance...
I could barely talk to the cabbie and I was text bombing everyone. They need to make an auto timer app to prevent people like me from belligerent late night harrassing. And I was seeing double... Prob would have tried to give your leg a bj and then fallen down the stairs.
I'm like five sips away from making a Craigslist post for true love and mustaches. My family is going to disown me tonight.
Taking a shit on the side of the road is not how I imagined this morning would start.
Would you go as one half of Harry and Lloyd in Tuxes to Aaron's wedding?
Its almost 1 am and u wanna get together and cry naked
Sexting and pancakes... It's going to be hard to top that
dollar rum and cokes, see you on the dark side of infinity
Well the cops were called after the kid fell, but we saw 4 cute guys from our window while it was going down, so it wasn't all that bad.
Randomize
