he called me "his little blueberry cunt muffin"...how would that make you feel?
My face smells like vagina and Im on my way to court. Fuck.
I thought it was kinda weird that her ten yearold sister was playing bartender, but hey, the girl makes a damn good drink
I threw a jar of pickles out the window at a police car, why was that not a good enough reason to put me to bed?
on a brighter note, the strip club found my atm card
Your job is getting in the way of our day drinking. Shots on the hour are not as cool alone.
Everytime the frat boy touches his bro's ass after making a cup take a drink
I just ate a can of beans for dinner so I can afford to go get a 5$ bottle of wine. I really did not think these choices would still be necessary at age 25.
I have to answer enough questions about you, I don't need your uterus tossed in the conversation.
Thanks for letting me in last night. I was drunkenly sleepwalking.
She actually was beyond drunk but she for some reason kept calling herself a demigod and made me drive her to a bookstore
The stripper told Tom to sort his life out
PS: bike ride of shame at 7am includes riding by kids waiting for the school bus #classy
This is random but I just wanted to thank you for all the things you taught me sexually in life.
I’m going to lick a fucking door knob when this shit is all over
Probably Waffle House
Randomize
