I wish there was a "friends who have gained the most weight since high school" filter on facebook for when I am feeling fat.
i upgraded from drunk texts to drunk e-mails...real world here i come
yeah. pants. i need to put pants on. i didn't do that last night. big mistake
You passed out in the bathroom with the door locked. Had to take a shit in your litter box. Don't worry, your cat buried it for me.
Apparently in gay bars the restroom signs are just a formality. Its a free for all in there
It started as ''I want a romantic life right now'' text. It ended with pool table sex.
I keep thinking your bag of thongs is a bag of chips. So mad I can't eat them.
I don't fucking know. I'm out stimulating the economy. Not locked in a room with a marker board.
Oh at the liquor store again?
There's a man with a stuffed dog and a can of dog food on the L. Should I break it to him?
Best not to. Some people need their delusions.
Trying to Jedi mind trick myself into not throwing up. This is not the esophagus you are looking for.
Update: that felon in Georgia I slept with is now a police officer. What a wonderful world
SHE'S PREGNANT AS SHIT, AND I JUSR PEELED A CLEMENTINE TO CHASE SHOTS WITH!! COULD LIFE GET ANY BETTER!?
THEYRE FUCKING GOLD
Are you talking about the color of my tits or the quality of my nudes cause both are
Can you send me the picture you took of me smoking a joint with the cat make-up on?
oh he pulled my dick out. wanna come over after he leaves
GET OFF YOUR PHONE
Randomize
