I just put out an orange level terrorist threat on her punani
Dude I just picked up a married chick while her husband was playing pool.
What do you mean you picked her up? How are you gonna leave the bar?
I didn't. I fucked her in the men's room. Come get me before he finds out.
I want to touch your soul through your body...with my penis...
Mike i'm at church right now...
That's why girls suck all the time. Blah blah nag nag drama drama buy me things but I won't touch your penis
I felt like I was in a real life creepy Myspace message. "girl u cute" ... "girl u got a really nice smile"
do you know what's more awkward than a positive pregnancy in a public bathroom?
not a thing
walking in on a stranger's positive pregnancy test in a public bathroom
Well, I woke up with a text message from my cab driver that said "I hope you're alive," so that's a good indicator of how I was acting last night.
is it sad that I can recall my outfits by who took them off?
I hope your lack of response means you're banging, not talking about her purity ring.
You had a hot dog outside the bar then made me stop at McDonald's for a double quarter pounder. I'd say you've more than filled your drunken meat quota.
I don't know where he learned to eat pussy but I thought I was going blind
LESSON OF THE DAY: Saying Everclear gets you out of explaining anything.
Tune in tm morning for how to buy Plan B in a foreign country while coming down off ecstasy
He started yelling terms of endearment at a cheese sandwich. Then he tried to hump it.
Just don't do anything stupid
i did a stupid sorry
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