At a strip club after monster truck rally. You should be here
ok shes still asleep, should i pee on her and say she did it herself? and by the time you respond to this ill probably have already made the decision
You do realize the lyrics aren't "hold me close TONY DANZA" right?
You can't be serious.
I'm drunk at The Bachelor casting call in Cleveland
I cherish every text you send me
I'm talking like I woke up and her bra was spinning around caught on my ceiling fan
Why do fat girls all have such cute faces?
God wants them to get laid too.
There are Star Wars cutouts in his basement. Obi Wan Kenobe watched me give him a handjob.
Is snow just God skeeting all over the place??
Yes. Yes it is.
There's a mouse. In the house. By the cans. With some pans. Release the cat. To eat his hat. Sorry about the mess. Of my breakfest.
No but seriously, there's a fucking mouse in the house by the beer cans
No just sleep deprived. James woke me up at 7 and forced me to eat a hot pocket with him cause he " didn't want me to die".
We are magical, pot smoking, smart as hell, single as fuck, woodland dolphins.
Most tragic bathtub-fart of all time. I am going to be late.
I just got promised sex at a fire station tonight so basically all my porn star dreams are coming true.
you just don't appreciate it because you've never been arrested
He's eating me out right now. That's how bad he is.
Randomize
