so I told him I hadn't been laid since Bush was president. Right after he cums, he says "Welcome to the Obama Administration".
As I was going down on her I noticed she had a tatoo on her inner thigh that said "Eat it like your birthday cake".
So at what point while he was throwing up on the girl next to him did you think "yeah, im going to hit that"
i like how i just referred to his pregnant wife as the "other" melissa and you didn't even judge me.
It's not like I'm never gonna put out again. I'm a sure thing. I promise.
You're doing that 'overestimating how much I care' thing again.
You were saying you didn't want to go home and insisted that I drop you guys off at your uncles. That's how you ended up sleeping on a porch with two dudes
When he was fat he reminded me of my high school best friend and I just wanted to hug him and hug him. Also, he's funny and humor is the fastest way into my pants after Doctor Who and liquor.
Ever walked into a basement full of 10 guys jerking it to a live stripper? Cause I have. Always confirm the address of a house party. Always.
A big thanks to that bride-to-be, Her fiance and his loaded friends will forever hold a place in my heart for the generous tequila body shots on the couch at Henry's.
I want to share a beverage of the alcoholic category with you, but I'm conflicted about getting out from under my covers.
She was doing hand motions and used straws from drinks like those airport light batons to have me back my "747 jumbo dick" towards you.
You came in last night, ate an entire avocado in silence, and then told me I should never accept rides from strangers. Not sure I even want to know what happened to you last night!
We just broke up and deleting his dick pics is the hardest thing I've ever had to do.
at the time fanning him with a dish tray seemed like a good idea but when we found it buried in the dirt the next morning i questioned our judgement. needless to say he still threw up even with the extra breeze.
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