Someone should tell Glenda that I only hang with her because she makes me look prettier.
It took us hanging out like four times to kiss. Id like to fuck you before I'm 30
She basically needs a man who will never act up and take all of her shit
I'm even having trouble finding a guy who's taller than me with no unibrow.. someone needs to tell her its time to lower her standards
Anderson Cooper just came out.
Crying tears of glitter and rainbows right now. Gonna decorate my dildo like My Little Pony in his honor.
Steve called. He needs me to pick him up. He also asked for a set of his clothes, he can't find them. He is such a strong motivation to stay sober.
Repeat. Dildo on the ceiling, confiscated potato shooter, and bottle of yegger. Repeat. Ceiling dildo and yegger.
So I saw her today...and it was weird...she is just like not pregnant anymore.
Dude...how high are you? of course she isnt pregnant anymore...thats what happens when you give birth
Just yelled out loud for someone to buy me a drink, 30 seconds later random guy on grindr asks what I'm drinking.
There's a 98% chance your drink will taste like rohypnol
Church parking lot, park bench, front porch. I think she's more comfortable going down on me in public. May have found the one.
look, my penis is an amusement park, and it's closed for maintenance. why can't you just accept that?
Fuck you. All I remember from last night is telling random people that I'm in a "judgement free zone" then I threw up
I just caught my bangs on fire trying to lite a bowl while driving. Thank god it wasn't my eyebrows like last time.
He made me spaghetti, gave me wine and I fucked him on the floor, Is that a fair trade of services to you?
I wish i didn't black out tuesday so i could have cherished our moment together
Throwing up together is NOT a cherishable moment...
Did I ever tell you what happened that night after he ran you over?
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