i just saw my boxers from 2 days ago stuck in a tree 4 miles from my house
You kept hiding marshmallows in the freezer saying "they would never think to look here"
Sex tip #67: Jizz in the eye is very near the equivalent to pepper spray. Not recommended for pleasure enhancement.
I still have your handprint on my ass. You're not allowed to ignore me yet.
At the hospital, the nurse kept telling me that i either had appendicitis, a tubular pregnancy, or an ovarian cyst. I kept asking if i could just have chlamydia instead...
What did you wear last night? Because I'm pretty sure there are atleast 4 Facebook statuses about your walk of shame.
I am a terrible person. This is almost as bad as when I was going to see my ex while my boyfriend was at that funeral.
I am walking funny today. And it's sad because it's from the bad encounter with the sidewalk rather than a good encounter with a stripper
I guess she fell asleep at the strip club and the other one was crying because she had a vagina in her face. Happy 21st!
He snapchatted me the wine on the ceiling this morning
the guy I've been trying to get with saw my brother's genitals before he saw mine, so that's my life.
You've discovered your super power: Your Vagina
No one should have to go to work between Christmas and New Years, but here I am twirling in my office chair and putting Jack in my coffee like I’m back in college studying for finals.
Fuck. Totally just had sex instead of studying for econ test in an hour. Gonna get fucked again. HELP ME WITH YOUR EXTENSIVE KNOWLEDGE OF ECON
THERE IS JIZZ ON MY CEILING. HOW THE FUCK IS THERE JIZZ ON MY CEILING
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