he actually proposed, and i threw up on him...i guess 5 glasses of wine was a bad idea.
forgot a fork. i am eating fettucini alfredo with a comb that i rinsed off the the bathroom sink. eating alone in my car. life doesn't get any sadder than this
its barely noon and he already threw up and i have second degree burn
My mail consisted of a box of dildos and christmas card from grandma.
I was talking to some girls while you were falling off your bar stool into the person next to you.
you went all the way to UK and still managed to hook up with someone from our highschool...
Woke up this morning in a randoms bed clutching an airplane ticket. God I hope I'm still in the country
Yup, totally tried cooking bacon in the dryer last night.
I just wanna lay in my bed all bundled up as have someone feed me lettuce
Do you know what your brother wants for his birthday?
Yeah he said he wants a decent blowjob for a change.
.......
I'm just looking out for you.
Ohh man. That was a snatch-waxer with a score to settle.
He's only giving you free adderall so you can focus on his dick.
Did I wash my face last night at your house? Where did my eyebrows go??
What the fuck dude? Now it's a "who is this?" convo going back and forth. Like... helllloooo you just sent me a picture of your penis! I'm entitled to ask who the fuck it is. I can't verify an identity by a body part.
If it makes you feel better he's in the stall next to me and I'm taking a diabolical shit. He's complaining
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