I'm sorry my penis didn't work
i just want his dick, seriously i'm about to take trifiling lessons. we'll call my alter-ego blair and she will screw his brains out, girlfriend or not.
From the crime scene it appears that I attempted to throw up into a candle.
We just followed a woman home because she looked like Jeff Goldblum. Turns out she lives in a trailer park.
I am no longer a man. I just realized I prefer Spongebob to college football.
Vanilla vodka + chocolate soymilk does NOT equal an epic milkshake.
I didn't budget in chasers this month so were chasing everything with water. Sorry.
You would not believe how incredibly hard it is to climb on top of a three story apartment buildings roof from the air conditioning unit
Why the fuck did I wake up in a chair with mouth clamps?!
How was that my fault?! I made you breakfast and gave you cake, as you asked. Then, you initiated sexual activity.
dude, my hangover is telling me there was tequila involved
Just so were clear your wife is cut off from my dick.
I never realized how weird our shower smells until I cracked a shower beer and had a familiar aroma to compare it to.
"Being an adult" and "being happy" are two circles that do not overlap in my Venn diagram of life.
I was stuffing my face while buying a brownie and coffee and some kid I fucked came up behind me and said. Someone's hungry.
Randomize