I used a physics textbook to prop her up so she wouldn't choke on her vomit...see I have learned something from statics class.
My financial advisor pointed out that 37% of my income is currently going towards "non-essential food items"
That's banker lingo for "you're an alcoholic"
We ended up on a hotel balcony in Daytona where she lured a seagull down with a pizza crust she found in her purse and preceded to grab it out of the air by it's neck.
scratched cornea got me an eyepatch and a blowjob from a girl with a thing for pirates
I really can't get over how proud I am of all us getting laid at the same time in the same apartment
I renamed his cat Jeff last night. Well I spray painted it on him.
I just learned my tits were fire resistant. I should join the freakin circus
Watching the dude who probably knocked me up be all cute with his girlfriend on my couch. I am too nice, and I hate today.
Happy 420. I woke up to a girl smoking weed and dragging me out of bed. Chemistry makes so much sense high.
The highlight of my night was when you proclaimed that the man standing next to you smelt like grape medicine...
his brother walked in while we were fucking on the couch, told me i had "lovely jugs" and offered to make both of us a drink
My exam ends at 4pm so I plan to be passed out in the bar by 5pm. Want to join me?
You yelled This cop is arresting me for possession! Possession of MARIJUANA!!", everyone cheered, and you let him handcuff you and take you away.
hypothetically, what's the best method to remove an stray semen gob from a roommate's important school document?
Well when I woke up this morning I didn’t think I’d be masturbating to my own LinkedIn profile today but here we are
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