I am apparently in rockville maryland. I just threw up my tater tots I had fro brunch in a safeway parking lot. Then ordered a pizza. Pepperoni and pineapple. I'm sitting in the parking lot, next to my barf, waiting for my pizza. WOOF. Someone just gave me an oxycontin tab. Can u come get me? I'm scared
census says that i am hotter than the girl you just left with...sad for you
9 am. shotgunning while conditioning my hair. i love college football season.
you said your puke was red because you were proud to be an american.
I have left a significant number of teethmarks in my prhone. My mouth tastes like tequila and cheddar. Tomorrow already feels fun.
I wanna get FUCKED up and fail the piss test at my eval so they send me to detox and give me suboxone... Is that bad?
If you're still awake, how rude would it be if I masturbated in her new apartment on moving day? If you're asleep, then ask me how it was.
So, i took all the condoms from his nightstand, not in the crazy ex way, but in the I paid for them way.
its kind of scaring me that i am turned on by tom cruise in rock of ages
So I saw her today...and it was weird...she is just like not pregnant anymore.
Dude...how high are you? of course she isnt pregnant anymore...thats what happens when you give birth
Downloaded the Pocket Penguin app. There are now penguins living in my phone. Technology is wonderful.
You were carrying a 6 ft lamp that we stole on your back yelling "OHANA MEANS FAMILY AND FAMILY MEANS NOBODY GETS LEFT BEHIND"
You are attracted to power and since you can't date the married old guy you have to go for the next best thing - his gay son
I JUST WANT TO SIT IN MY UNDERWEAR AND WATCH THE BRAVES GAME AND NOT BE CONSTRAINED BY MY ED SHEERAN SHORTS
Been smoking since 4. The inevitable finally happened: I bought a cheesecake.
Randomize
