I woke up this morning with I hate myself feeling
i totally forgot about the coupon that said i would show him how i pleasure myself.
Whenever I miss you I just turn on Tool Academy
Is there any way you can check to see if I have a warrant out in Alabama?
Unemployment check just came in. As soon as I stop pretending I have morals I'm buying weed. Puff puff pass uncle sam.
But the ghost of his schlong past haunts you
We're listening to space jam. This can only be a good omen.
Come over so we can have two person sex in this one person tent
I can not say for certain that I did not blow someone in the bathroom at the bar at some point.
I should probably drink beer instead of rum today so I don't end up naked in my living room while I still have guest.
I can't wait to get home and brush the fuck outta my teeth.
Literally.
My legs feel like baby dolphins
Just had my butthole waxed. If that changes your plans for Saturday..
You know what i hate? I hate when the ppl you drunkenly made out with actually want to talk to you sober. It just doesn't work that way sir.
I didnt know whether I was going to vomit or orgasm because I was feeling both sensations
Randomize
