we didnt fuck last night. again. seriously, his place is like where dreams go to die.
Every time I find out someone else from high school got pregnant accidentally, I want to declare victory over them.
she's got that wholesome 16 and pregnant look.
franzia sundays are my new favorite holiday
I feel so grown up. I just went to home depot to buy actual home improvement supplies instead of stuff to make a bong with.
my boss made my mugshot into an 'employee of the month' poster.
the fda needs to get their shit together cause these four loko going away parties are gonna kill me
You promised me a handle of vodka if I took home her ugly friend. Thanks to law class I took for the 2nd time I know that's a unilateral contract asshole
His idea of romance is drunkenly leaving me dead dandelions on my car in the middle of the night
WHY ARE THERE NO BLACK EMOJIS? I CAN NEVER PROPERLY IDENTIFY MYSELF.
I made $130 by ordering two pizzas and charging them $10 a slice. If they weren't so stoned they might have realized they could have just ordered another pizza for $20.
You get home ok?
Uh, you stopped by my house at 4 am and woke me up, so yeah.
MY LIFE IS HARD OK. I HAVE TO WAKE UP AT LIKE 10 OR 11 AFTER SMOKIG POT AND PLAYING FALLOUT UNTIL 3
His phone started ringing when we were pulled over and he said 'hold on, this is most likely more important than you', proceeded to answer it and agree to work sunday, then hung up, looked at the cop and told him to continue.
You know something is wrong with your lifestyle when you have to clean easy Mac cheese powder off of your scale
at least it's not cocaine like last time
Randomize
