Your date looks like the Cloverfield monster. good luck.
I would kick you in the vagina but I'm afraid I would lose my shoe.
I just remembered Dan asking me all polite in the middle of sex "do you mind if I get behind you?" that was the most polite way I've been asked to do it doggy style
im giving 12 year olds life advice. this is probably illegal somewhere.
I don't even have to sign up for karaoke at duncans anymore. The karaoke ppl just sign me up themselves. Without my consent. I also sang stacys mom to some lady named Stacy who's mom died yesterday.
Bagel with cream cheese. It's blowing my fucking mind.
How high are you right now..
I MICROWAVED IT. SIGNIFICANT IMPROVEMENT.
Tell nick i'm sorry for throwing a block of cheese at him last night
Just bought a breathalyzer and Sharpies, guess who thought of a new drinking game
I just put my hair into this ponytail & it looks hideous & really cool at the same time. I am dedicating it to the hangover I have
Just had a 10 minute long conversation with my cat about how if I died, and he needed to eat me to live, I'd totally be ok with it. Definitely still drunk.
Found my underwear in a solo cup. That about sums up this weekend.
Just took a piss in some random bushes in a traffic jam and had to sprint back to the car. I'm a boss.
She pinched my nipples out of nowhere as I was about to come... I think I found god
sorry for the random call. He stopped mid-sex because he wanted confirmation that I was really a reverend.
I woke up to the smell of shame and vomit in my hair... went to the bathroom to shower and passed out... woke back up naked with the blow dryer on... thanks for making my birthday a success
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