Well apparently he's into motor boating.
Omg just saw this kid I went to elementary school with at the bar and he used to be cool and I was so awkward but now I have boobs so I WIN.
It was like my butthole was peeing. Felt comforting yet not fulfilling.
260 beers this month. I need a new hobby.
You owe me $8 for the carwash I needed after you threw the salmon on my windshield.
Who the hell poured a whole pouch of Capri Sun down my throat last night?
I am literally sitting on the toilet in utter disbelieve that last night even happened. My god that was only Monday.
Fuck a-yeah! I just found a wine key. Let 'Don't Fuck With Me Friday' commence.
Guy, there will be accountabilities this weekend that you will need to respond to, or else.
I got Pilsbury cinnamon rolls for us to have tomorrow, but I don't have the willpower to leave them in my fridge overnight, so I am eating them all and getting us more in the morning
I love you more by the minute
he forgot we were at my place and not his so he tried kicking me out of my own apartment by saying "so, you can go whenever you want...."
I've decided to give up hard drugs for the rest of the year.
I'm really sorry I hooked up with your student on the dance floor..
I was walking out of the bar when he said I'll see you later and I said I'll see you in my dreams and then fell face first and broke my nose
I woke up wearing mittens dude
I woke up in my bathtub with the potted plant from downstairs.
checkmate.
Randomize
