Jerry, you need to find god
You just kept rubbing her head and repeating "I really like your head, I want your head..." over and over for like 10 minutes straight... And she didnt even stop you.
I truly don't know anything about sober relationships. Normally I would just drunkenly yell "sex?" in a guy's face. What do I do now? Be like, sooo uhhh, wanna do it? Awkward, and even worse, I will remember clearly just how awkward it was.
Do you remember using the heel of your shoe as a shish kabob stick? You offered me some chicken, but I declined.
The great thing about vietnam is that if I'm drunk during the day people just think I'm being white
i hope youre ready for a shit show because we just ordered a whole pitcher of red headed sluts
I just threw in a dip with a guy that superglued his fake tooth back in today. My life is complete.
True love: he brought me a margarita while I was n the shower. He's a keeper.
For not really liking Christmas, I have an astounding amount of holiday-themed lingerie
I sent my roommate a text from MY phone that said, "I don't know where my phone is." Must've been a good night.
You could see the bone sticking out of his shin and he insisted he was "just gunna walk it off"
I'm trying to find a fanny pack so I can bring pizza on my run
Ok so I'm not gonna ignore the fact that you had sex on a frat basement floor and spent the last 4 years wondering how you got HPV
You followed me up the stairs while i was throwing up yelling "projectile! projectile! projectile!"
Where can I buy a stripper pole at midnight on a Sunday?
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