i told him i was on my period. he said, and i quote "can we not just lay down some newspapers or something?"
thanks for being my friend even though im irresponsible with my vagina
I don't know if this beer pong partnership can last if you refuse to look me in the eye when we make sweet sweet clutch cup at the same time.
Drunkenly auctioned off my bed for 3 tequila shots
This has been the most pleasant arrest experience I've ever had.
I figure that my generation of my family needs an alcoholic. I'll take that burden.
He only likes me when I'm naked and I don't like being around him clothed. It's the perfect relationship.
Oh you know..Chillin with your dad.
With a fannypack full of drugs.
Some old chick is rubbing my thigh and saying she needs some Memorial Day dick. Her teeth are kind of gross but I'm going for it.
thought a girl was checking me out today. took me like 5 minutes to realize it was a mannequin
So I'm about to drive his drunk ass home and he spits on my car. Before I can say, "Dude, what the fuck?!", he puts his finger to my lips and goes "shhh, its in the past."
when the repo soundtrack came on in the middle of us having sex i realized it was about time that i clear out my itunes library
We left the bar and you kept yelling "ONWARD SCION, TO GLORY!!"
It wasn't a great time! You grabbed me, picked me up, and make me pee in the sink!
Whatever, ill dance on the bar at applebees, don't try and act like you're above it.
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