these two guys are about to go shot for shot with syrup
now he is talking to a potato
buying my parents vodka for Christmas is like buying a normal person socks.
I just saw a group of 50+ year old women all wearing shirts that said "drink up, bitches" ...please tell me that can be us some day.
Sounds good. Stay safe. I'm kind of drunk in a Food 4 Less right now and I'm having the time of my life.
i think i need to institute a "if your dick has been in my mouth this year i get a xmas present" policy
I had another sex dream about you but it was very dissatisfying. As you finished you starting singing the star spangled banner. then you left. I was not amused.
I think the universe has a conglomeration of sentences reserved only for me.
All i remember his him yelling yahtzee while pouring beer down her shirt .
I did a kegel this morning to determine if I had been penetrated during last night's blackout. Nope.
I got hella high today and freaked out about life and interest rates
Worst. Date. Ever. He peeled a layer of bread off his mini burger buns because they had "too many carbs".
Ordered a pizza stoned. The guy handed me my pizza and I tried to pay him by handing him back the pizza.
I'm like bob the builder except I'm fixing boners.
It’s awful. They need to open the bars. I’m now trolling grocery stores looking for dick
Are you hungover?
No. I'm hiding under my covers and hoping it doesn't find me.
Randomize
