I got my nipple pierced! I love it so much!
Well, there goes breastfeeding.
Washing the last semen-stained shirt you have really solidifies a breakup. It just got real.
Did she have bad breath? Bad breath makes you think of all the bad things in the world
she reminds me of the first time i discovered masturbation. that's how you know it's true love.
just to let you know, its not cheating if i cant feel my hands.
Need a travel agent to tell me which countries in Asia have legalized prostitution for New Year. Fireworks would be cool too.
I didn't even have time to sit down and the nurse was like: ''You've been having unprotected sex.'' HOW DOES SHE KNOW?!?
No. I'm drinking straight up vodka right now. With a pineapple in it.
That'll put some boobs in that bra.
Apparently when it was last call I jumped up on the bar and told everyone to get the fuck out, which was immediately followed by a round of applause from the bouncers/bartenders and my tab getting paid as well.
I found her face down on the kitchen floor asking anybody who walked by for Kraft Dinner
I just watched my ex butt chug a quart of eggnog. Why did I dump her again?
So the other day we finished having sex and he literally said "what are we going to do about your vagina?" Like, I hadn't even dismounted him yet.
I went to a party last night....I stole all of their ornaments and the toaster oven.
Hey, I left a taco in your dishwasher.
I'm not fucking you with a Stormtrooper helmet on!
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