so i was supposed to be to work at 8..but its 9:15 and im currently standing stoned in the middle of holiday...with a bag with three doughnuts, two redbulls, and a slim jim..
god i miss watching you do this...
come over. we are watching hoarders and playing i spy.
You sent her a pic of your dick with 'guess what you cant have anymore' written on it with a marker.
surgery went fine. i cant breath out of my right nostril though. lets not eat peas anymore when we are drunk.
No, man, we stole the housekeeper's key and we're just going room to room raiding mini fridges. Hurry
Logan has the vodka and snickers. We're making a run for it. Room 302
gymnastic barn sex. fuck i wish i hadn't blacked out
She was grinding on him and then she was eating a Big Mac. Who the hell brings a Big Mac to the club?
Admittedly shitfaced... I have two questions. 1)why is the fan in my bathroom on? (Sub-text: is there a ghost?). 2) is your underwear really argyle?
Oh you know..Chillin with your dad.
With a fannypack full of drugs.
The cop said he like my hair today. Please explain all other interactions with law enforcement, k thanks
I hate college football. It's really fucking with our phone sex schedule.
Found a pic on my phone from last night. You're drunk. Arm wrestling some guy. In the bar bathroom. At a baby changing station. It's my new wallpaper.
Sexting just isn't as much fun once you learn how bad he is in bed...
It's time you knew: I have been dating your probation officer for 7 months. Pretty certain he's THE ONE. So, thanks for being a criminal.
I woke up uncovered, spread eagled to my dad saying "you really need to stop sleeping naked."
Randomize
